Soft-Launched Partner Confirmed to Have an Exceptional Elbow

In a groundbreaking revelation, Chelsea’s 900 Instagram followers can now confirm that, while they may not know her new girlfriend’s name or even what she fully looks like, they do know one crucial detail: she has a very nice elbow.

The soft launch was unveiled earlier this morning with a seemingly innocuous photo of a large cappuccino, but eagle-eyed followers were quick to spot the true focus of the post; an unidentified elbow peeking into frame from across the table.

Screenshots were taken, with some speculating that the elbow in question might belong to a parent, a friend, or even a random cafe goer caught in the frame. Others, however, were convinced this was the first breadcrumb in a carefully curated reveal, leading to an all-out social media investigation.

In what can only be described as a Cinderella glass slipper moment, determined followers have begun scouring Chelsea’s past posts for any signs of the elusive elbow. Will they uncover the identity of its owner? Or will Chelsea maintain the mystery a little longer?

Ex-Partner in Your Seminar? A How-to Guide

We’ve all been there – you’ve just started listening to ‘Stick Season’ by Noah Kahan without turning into an emotional wreck when BAM, you walk into your first seminar for the semester and are greeted by the very person you swore to never see again… your ex-partner. 

How do you approach this awkward and painful scenario? Here are a few general tips and tricks to help you along the way….

1) Do not sit near them. If you sit near them, they will attempt to talk to you, and that freshly healed wound will rip right open again. Do not sit in their general proximity either, as they’ll attempt to speak just loud enough for you to hear all about their skiing holiday in Japan which you were meant to go on. 

2) When the seminar break commences, get out of that room as fast as you can. Go to the bathroom and count down the minutes. If your former partner is the same sex as you, it is recommended you lock yourself in a cubicle just to be safe. DO NOT re-enter the seminar room until the break is over. Your ex-partner will be watching the door like a hawk, waiting for an opportunity to pounce. Don’t give them the satisfaction - wait until the break is over to re-enter the room. 

3) Now we must prepare for the worst. There’s a small chance they will approach you after the seminar and introduce you to their new partner. You can avoid this by sitting next to the door and exiting as soon as the seminar leader goes to say ‘thanks for attending’.

If you get trapped near the front, this encounter could go one of two ways. The new partner will either be twice the person you were and, yep you guessed it, you’ll be crying to ‘Stick Season’ on the bus ride home; or you’ll discover your former partner settled for the first person they met on Hinge, and you’ll happily be singing ‘Haven’t Met You Yet’ by Michael Buble on the bus ride home.

Swiftie Applies For Extension On Seminar Exercise Claiming Family Commitments

A Swiftie that ‘controversially’ attended three of Taylor Swift’s Sydney shows, applied for an extension on her property law seminar exercise due on Wednesday. 

In her application she said that she could not complete her seminar exercise on time due to family commitments—Taylor is mother. 

She plans to go to her GP to get a doctor’s certificate for mental health reasons. She also claims to be suffering from post-Taylor-depression. 

The Swiftie is hoping that her application is approved because she does not want to start the semester off on a bad foot. Nevertheless, it probably will be denied, causing her post-Taylor-depression to spiral even further. 

Rumours have it even Taylor Swift herself applied for an extension on her new album release using the excuse she was performing all year, although she too was denied. 

This gives little hope to our resident Swiftie, who is now considering dropping out of law and becoming a full-time groupie. 

Uh Oh! I Patted One of the SWOTVAC Alpacas and I Still Have Depression

This week, the UQ Life team has shown that its finger is firmly on the pulse of what students want out of their university experience. It’s alpacas. 

It’s always been alpacas. 

Research suggests that looking at an alpaca is the quickest and cheapest way to cure depression. That, alongside live music in the Great Court and a metric-tonne of kettle-corn. 

But the Obiter has discovered that some Law students feel that when the captive farm animals start rolling into campus, it’s a reminder that things are ‘not okay’.

Nadia Singh (19) (a pseudonym) shared her own, more harrowing story.  

‘I was promised that if I lined up for 15 minutes to touch an alpaca, my crippling anxiety about having 3 exams in 2 days would be cured.’ 

‘But I swear, when I made eye contact with the animal, it triggered an IBS flare up.’

‘Obviously, I’m now more stressed.’

Other students reported being misled that they could cuddle some puppies in the Union Complex, only to find that the dogs were geriatric and generally distrustful of humans. 

Thankfully, the Law School’s student wellbeing team - including Dony Rodriguez and Katelyn Maccarone - remain faithfully stationed on Level 2 of the Law Library, giving out muesli bars and reminding people what happiness looks like. 

More to come.

Fourth Year Law Student Struggles to Contain Excitement for Weekly "Constministrative” Double Feature

If you’ve been on the Internet in the past few months, you have no doubt encountered the hype for the ‘Barbenheimer’ double feature: Greta Gerwig’s smash hit BARBIE, and Christopher Nolan’s historical epic OPPENHEIMER, both releasing on the same day to raucous fanfare from moviegoers and critics alike. We at the Obiter were able to get an exclusive interview with Jasmine Douglas, a fourth-year UQ Law student who has taken the Barbenheimer message to heart in a unique way.

“Of course I saw Barbenheimer in cinemas opening day! I started off by turning to one of the greatest filmmakers of our generation for a chilling, crucial breakdown of the human condition and the horrors that men can inflict upon each other and this world, and then I went and saw OPPENHEIMER afterwards,” Jasmine declared.

“So I figured,” she continued, “it was only right to try and keep those good vibes going in my day to day life. Two years ago, if I’d found out I had Constitutional Law from 9am-11am and Admin Law from 11am-1pm on a Wednesday, it probably would have been enough to push me over the edge and finally drop out. Now, instead of four straight hours of boring drudgery, it’s a thrilling Constministrative double feature”.

Jasmine went on to describe her enjoyment of the work of “up-and-coming filmmaker” Nicholas Aroney (who, she was sure to remind us, we probably hadn’t heard of), and to make an impassioned case for Anthony Cassimatis to win Best Supporting Actor at next year’s Oscars. “I mean, even his performance in Administrative Law alone should’ve been enough to get him over the line. But you add in his role in International Law: Public and I think he’s a shoe-in,” she opined.

Unfortunately, Jasmine cut off the interview there, as she had to attend to some chores, or, as she put it, she was “running late for her screening of the epic DishesLaundry at the Cinémathèque Kitchén”.

We will have more for you as the story develops, but for right now, your writer is going to settle in and enjoy a classic 3BeersCrying double feature.

‘Valentine’s Day is a Capitalist Commodification of Love,’ Says Unemployed Boyfriend With No Gift

‘Nah, I definitely didn’t just forget to get you chocolates, babe. And flowers just die anyway!’

 ‘You hate that cringy, romantic bullshit, right?’ he asked his girlfriend of three years, Annabelle Young (22).

Ben, who has been “looking for a law job” for six months, swiftly began his annual rant about Valentine’s Day being a ‘stupid Hallmark holiday’.

‘We’re not Americans!’ he exclaimed, switching the TV to another Super Bowl rerun. ‘What a waste of money. Anyway, should we order Uber Eats for dinner?’

 He went on to explain that it was a ‘bit ridiculous’ that Annabelle’s birthday, Christmas, his birthday, and Valentine’s Day were all within the same six months every year. ‘Couldn’t they have spread them out a little?’

 Insider sources have informed us that Ben still relies on Facebook to remind him of his girlfriend’s birthday.

 Annabelle has declined to comment.

“There Are Too Many Dating Shows” Says Boyfriend Who Literally Sees A New Marvel Movie Every Week

With the end of The Bachelor season and the beginning of MAFS all in the same week, law student John Carnegie (20) is concerned that the cycle of trashy reality dating shows is never ending.

“I mean the shows are all so fake,” says the young man whose favourite film concludes with a computer-generated robot shooting computer-generated lasers at a computer-generated alien in front of a green screen.

What’s baffling the critic the most is the quantity of dating shows.

“Literally they are turning everything into a dating show now,” said John whose favourite marvel superhero happens to be antman (A superhero that is an ant)

“Can’t believe they’re still making new episodes of this” he adds disgruntled, switching the channel to the 19th season of Survivor.

While reality TV is glueing his girlfriend to the couch at home, at least John still gets the chance to go to the movies every week to watch a new marvel movie. 

The ex-nerd is also hoping to steal some couch space for him and the boys to begin their 90 hour superhero universe movie marathon.

Lexapro Found To Be Most Consumed Drug At Laneway Largely Due To Phoebe Bridgers Fans

Just yesterday, the Laneway Festival returned for its annual Brisbane leg at the Royal National Agricultural and Industrial Association of Queensland (RNA) Showgrounds. As if its built-in audience of 16-year-old festival virgins wasn’t enough, following its line-up announcement late last year, the one-day event was sure to be the EKKA for sad people and gay non-men.

Sets from girl in red, Julia Jacklin, Mallrat, HAIM, Joji, and Phoebe Bridgers were destined to imbue the atmosphere with vibes of pining, daddy issues, religious-trauma, lesbianism, and depression. Thankfully, if you weren’t getting all that from the music, inside sources report that similar feelings were stirred from the humid and soggy conditions inside those white tents. 

Special mention must go to Bridgers, who had Brisbane pharbz quaking in their platform, cowboy, and/or doc marten boots at seemingly the biggest event since the coming of Christ. Her set had girls named Demi, Chelsea, Georgia, and (as of recently) Emily inconsolably sobbing; unrelenting chants of “PAUL OR BO?! PAUL OR BO?!” added a unique timbre to the performance; and anyone with a healthy relationship with an older man was tazed on-site. One attendee even told Obiter reporters that she’d “been granted ‘sentimental leave’ from the psych ward so [she] could see Phoebe Bridgers live”.  Another, in what can only be described as a neurotic move, got on a plane straight after the festival to see her again in Sydney.

This evidence suggests that you didn’t need a sniffer dog to deduce that the drug-of-choice at 2023 Laneway was prescription escitalopram. Largely thanks to Bridgers’ presence, the Port-a-Loo Company covering the Festival had apparently been briefed on the potential for overdose-induced Lexaprolapses, but should things go truly awry, we at The Obiter suggest that the proclaimed ‘Bisexual Jesus' should lawyer-up. 

Sight of Grotty Unwrapped Bar of Soap Left in Hotel Room Sink Suggests Google Reviews Was Probably Worth A Read

‘Mate, found this real deece looking place on Trivago for like 37 bucks a night!’ Ben Devere (22) had told his friend just three weeks prior, having done absolutely no research into what turned out to be an absolute shithole.

**************

It was just moments after entering the Grand Patel Hotel in Melbourne’s inner-west - located just a two minute walk from the local train station and a vast array of strip clubs - that Matthew Clare (21) came to the stark realisation that he’d just entered what he considered the dankest place on earth.

Having typically spent most of his holidays with Mum and Dad in, at the very least, 4-star establishments (with a buffet breakfast and wine list all too common a sight), this was a foreign landscape for the young aspiring lawyer.

So it came as quite a rude shock to Matt when the elderly Vietnamese manager of the Grand Patel, instead of guiding him to the onsite concierge, handed him a lamp and goggles, gestured towards the end of the dimly lit corridor, and whispered with a toothless grin: ‘good luck’.

The Grand Patel, which admittedly did smell a bit like the Aspley Retirement Village, had many more surprises in store for young Matt: the soap situation left him outraged, he was incensed at the itchy bedsheets, the cockroaches scampering across the floor caused raw fury, and the breakdown in the mechanics of the decaying elevator shaft simply left him defeated.

On reflection, Matt realised he probably shouldn’t have left complete oversight to his notoriously unreliable mate, Ben ‘Bluey’ Devere, in finding them a place to stay for the 4 nights - a quick search on google would’ve revealed that the Grand Patel was recently described as a ‘PLACE TO AVOID NEVER COME HERE’ by a recent vacationer.

Welcome to the real world, champ.

Bloke Desperate For A Root Spends Good Couple Of Minutes Studying Party's Invite List

‘8 mutuals on facey?? Surely I’m in with a chance here,’ thought Ron Brent (20) to himself, as he continued to carefully analyse the list of names that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s party - ‘Lily’s Easter Bash’.

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A self-described ‘Horndog’, Ronald Brent is a man with little to no shame.

Ever since being dumped by his high school sweetheart at age 19, he’s professed that he’s sick of being ‘the nice guy’. Now a guru of self-help and mindful-growth podcasts - with a plan to start his own one day - Ron, a man of great introspection, is a man on a mission.

What’s the mission, you ask? Get ‘hench’? Yes, of course. But of even more significance, Ron has an unwavering goal for this Saturday evening - get hookies at a minimum.

Having lived the ‘gym life’ for the past 6 months and currently rocking a mad ‘fresh cut’, Ron is, to be candid, bemused at his recent lack of success in this particular domain.

A source close to Ronald argued that this failing could be attributed to Ron being a ‘really boring cunt at a generous best’. When we put this allegation to Ronald for comment, he responded, ‘Nah man, that’s such negative vibes, I’m kinda of a deep thinker bro, haters just needa get on my level’.

Perhaps spurred on by these ‘negatives vibes’, Ron was spotted later that afternoon on the bus home from his shift at Grill’d deeply dissecting the list of those that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s ‘Easter Bash’ at Lily’s McSweeney’s.

We wish Ronald and his crypto chat-up lines the best of luck.